Hence the squinting…

HOLLYWOOD—Hard to Kill star Steven Seagal is primarily famous for four things: martial artistry, the insistence on having a pony tail, horrendous-yet-enjoyable action movies, and his permanent squinting condition. However, Some Guy Daily News has learned in an exclusive interview that Seagal is capable of not squinting when he feels like it. When asked why he prefers to squint, Seagal answers, “I’m just thinking about cake.”

Seagal admitted that he thinks about cake constantly, hence the constant squinting. “Why wouldn’t someone want to think about cake whenever they can?” he mused as he squinted off into the distance. “Is cake not delicious? Would you not go for a nice slice of cake right about now?”

This also attributes to Seagal’s substantial weight gain in recent years, eating cake at every opportunity, even in his custom-made tanning bed. “I see no reason to stop eating cake even when I’m tanning,” he explained.

This revelation puts a new spin on his film roles over the years. “That entire training montage after I wake up from my coma in Hard to Kill? Where I’m supposedly thinking about getting my vengeance against Senator Trent? Yeah, don’t care. Cake. Mmmmm, cake.”

Asked what kind of cake is his favorite, Seagal had a typically calm, zen answer. “I do not discriminate when it comes to cake. I welcome all kinds.”

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