TATOOINE—Recent reports suggest that the Walmart in Bloomington, MN along Interstate 494 is the closest to replicating the ambiance, chaos and sheer weirdness of the Mos Eisley Cantina from Star Wars, Some Guy Daily News has learned. Experts credit this comparison to the preponderance of languages, strange guttural sounds, and people of every conceivable size, shape and race (presuming they’re people) that occupy this particular store.
“Seriously, just walk in and stand in one place for 30 seconds,” said social scientist Herman Mays. “In that time, you’ll hear at least 5 different languages, feel your life threatened at least once and see so many bizarre looking people that you think you’re trapped in some kind of redneck Salvador Dali painting.”
Asked to cite some examples, Mays replied, “Just look anywhere. Check out that super-tall balding guy in the pedo-trenchcoat, his cart is filled with nothing but packing peanuts. Or that homeless looking black guy whose gray beard is as big as a small elephant. Hey speaking of elephants, there’s a 300+ pound woman wearing skin tight clothes and back cleavage.”
“And listen. Is that Swahili? Latin? Pig Latin? Greek? Maybe it’s all of them. Maybe it’s a completely made up language. Who the hell knows.”
“Also, there are no droids allowed in Walmart. That can’t be a coincidence.”
Requests have been filed as recently as today to have this particular Walmart blast the “Cantina Theme” played by the Cantina Band blasting through the intercom system at all hours of the day to complete the effect. “Better yet, hire those guys to play round-the-clock,” continued Mays. “I hear they’re available.”