How dare he…

SAN FRANCISCO—29-year-old Dan McGinty is gay, but it’s not something on which he bases his identity as a person. “I’m just some regular dude who happens to be gay,” he told Some Guy Daily News yesterday. It is this fact that has enraged conservatives across the country, as they believe McGinty should not be “disguising himself.”

“It should be against the law for people like [McGinty] to sneak around undercover like that,” complained self-described “wingnut” John Mattos. Asked to clarify, Mattos continued, “If he’s gay, he should talk with a really obvious lisp and sing Broadway musicals while dancing around in rainbow briefs, something like that. The fact that he isn’t frightens and offends me.”

Mattos was clearly shaken, serving as a microcosm of social-conservative thinking across the country. “At least do the whole limp-wristed thing every once in a while just to make sure everyone within a few feet of him knows he’s gay,” noted fellow conservative Chris Hampton. “As someone who defines himself first and foremost as a God-fearing social-conservative, I’d appreciate it if you’d not sneak up your gay on me.”

McGinty, who was in the middle of doing normal everyday stuff like eating breakfast and going to work, was apologetic albeit sarcastically. “Sorry I’m not going all Boy George on your ass. Find someone else to live your weird fantasies through.”

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