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Pittsburgh Pirates Consider Name Change To “The Existential Pittsburgh Baseball Team”

In Sports on April 4, 2012 at 9:00 AM

It just doesn’t matter…

PITTSBURGH—In their quest to achieve their 20th straight losing season, the Pittsburgh Pirates as a team are wondering why they even bother and are considering scrapping the entire “Pirates” motif entirely, changing their name to The Existential Pittsburgh Baseball Team. The team’s front office explained that this is one way they’ve been coming to grips with losing over the years.

“It fits our team identity like a glove,” explained manager Clint Hurdle. “Because anyone associated with this team ponders at least once in a while, ‘What am I doing here? Why am I here? Why do I exist? Why does this team exist? For the sake of losing? What is losing?’”

“And really, it’s not any less clumsy to say than the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim or whatever the hell they want to be called this week.”

The Existential Pittsburgh Baseball Team’s uniforms will be gray and completely blank, without logos or numbers. “We’ll look like those dudes on those Post cereal baseball cards from way back when where they had to edit out the team logos because they couldn’t afford the MLB licensing,” said Hurdle.

The team will also abandon answering reporter’s questions with empty platitudes and cliches, choosing instead to channel Bill Murray’s motivational speech from the movie Meatballs, saying, “It just doesn’t matter,” over and over again.

BREAKING NEWS: The Existential Pittsburgh Baseball Team’s front office has indefinitely suspended its name change due to the realization that won’t matter in the slightest in relativity to anything else happening in the rest of this vast, endless universe.

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