Some consider sentence too harsh…

INTERNET—Bernard “Bert” Jenkins, a former class valedictorian turned troll, was sentenced yesterday to 9 to 12 weeks of reading nothing but YouTube comments for the purposeful baiting of unsuspecting Internet users into dumb arguments. Common Pleas Court Judge James Macon imposed the sentence after a lengthy proceeding at which Internet users, irritated for years over Jenkins’ troll antics, pleaded the judge to “put this asshole away for the good of the Internet.”

Judge Macon decreed that the Internet “would be a better place” without Jenkins, username AintNoFaggots, and that the only real way to make him understand what he’s done is to make him closely examine the culture he’s helped create and perpetuate. “When I consider everything this dick has done,” Macon said, “I find it difficult to come up with a sentence other than this one.”

Attorney Khalid El-Tariq, representing Jenkins, pleaded with the Judge to back off such a harsh sentence, reading excerpts from comments on a Tori Amos video about abortion.

“Your Honor, this video is nothing but 15-year-old girls with zero life experience speaking in shameful grammar and godawful sentence structuring. Listen to this: ‘did it died babyies, they r animel they don know what we talk. abortions r racist’. What in the blue hell does that even mean?? This person is 100% serious and goes on for another 24 comments about the same thing. My client is sentenced to read… this? For 9 weeks? Your Honor… please.”

Judge Macon was steadfast, pointing to Jenkins’ Internet record (he had been banned from four different message boards/usergroups in the past two years) and the fact that his manner of communicating online is no better than someone 8-years-old.

Jenkins is expected to begin serving his sentence immediately, starting on 475 pages of comments on a video of President Obama playing basketball.

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