Yes, there’s more… THE NINETIES—Here are this week’s Super Nintendo headlines straight from 1993:
• Anthony Orchid, 34, went batshit insane yesterday when someone within earshot mentioned the game EarthBound, a cult-favorite role-playing-game that went largely unnoticed at the time of its release. Orchid jumped up and down while wetting his pants before sprinting over to the person to talk about how EarthBound is “the greatest game in the world of the universe” only to be disappointed upon finding out the person was only discussing earth-bound asteroids.
• Mega Man was overheard yesterday saying he thinks Zero is “kind of a douche,” Some Guy Daily News has learned. “Seriously, what’s with the tassels? Was there a sale at the stripper store or something? You look like a walking car wash. Tassels are the spray-tan of vigilante android fighting machines.”
• Reports have surfaced that literally every single player in Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball is on steroids. Sources say even the tiny scrawny guys are still somehow ripped to the gills. Can O’Corn and Nick Noheart were unavailable for comment.
• Meyer, a playable character from Super Tennis, described his 80s sunglasses wearing, mustachioed and mulleted look as “timeless” earlier this week. Some Guy Daily News tends to agree with him.
• NBA Jam‘s Blue Edwards and Brad Lohaus of the Milwaukee Bucks were sent down to the NBA Jam minor leagues this morning. In over 14,571 games played, not a single player selected the Milwaukee Bucks, due to the perception (or fact) that having Edwards and Lohaus as your team is the modern equivalent of having Brian Scalabrine and Greg Stiemsma representing today’s Boston Celtics.
• Some Guy Daily News can confirm that the title Captain Novolin, a platformer designed to teach kids about diabetes, actually really did exist. We’re still working round-the-clock to try and determine how lining up colors and answering the same three trivia questions over and over is supposed to teach kids about diabetes, but we will not rest until we’ve found an answer.
• Some naive fool spent actual money on Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball yesterday afternoon, presumably in the hopes of engaging in a quality basketball gaming experience. $2.99 (plus sales tax) was handed to the cashier at Gene’s Used Games in exchange for the cartridge, much to the shock and dismay of Gene himself. “That game hasn’t even been touched in more than 20 years,” he said. Some Guy Daily News is still feverishly researching why Bill Laimbeer of all people got his own basketball game.