PACIFIC PALISADES, CA—Some random dude won the Northern Trust Open at the Riviera Country Club yesterday, beating out some other random guys with a score of whatever. The event was broadcast nationally throughout the weekend, including 17.6 million people on Sunday evening as they patiently waited for “60 Minutes” to start. It’s already being referred to as the “whitest occasion in recent memory.”
The random dude wore his randomness literally on his sleeve as he played through his round, wearing a striped polo shirt, white slacks and a generic looking white Titleist hat with black lettering. Random guy displayed zero personality traits, showed zero emotion and offered zero memorable quotes during or afterward. After winning the tournament, Guy celebrated by tipping his hat slightly, mouthing the words “Thank you” and giving a vague wave to the crowd.
Viewers were astounded at the utter meaninglessness as they watched. “Wow, that’s three hours of my life I’ll never get back,” said one anonymous TV viewer. “I won’t exactly be bouncing my grandkids on my knee telling them about… what was that guy’s name again? The white guy with the Titleist hat.”
[Ed note: There are over 125 white PGA Tour players that regularly wear Titleist hats. Some Guy Daily News is still working round the clock in an attempt to identify who really won this golf tournament.]