With her razor sharp jaw-line…
HOLLYWOOD—Star of the upcoming film This Means War actress Reese Witherspoon has announced through her publicist that she will be temporarily donating her jaw to a local Los Angeles homeless shelter, where it will be used to peel potatoes, slice cheese and disembowel a turkey. The actress had inadvertently injured herself with her jaw in the past, but has since come to peace with her gift.
Witherspoon has had several mishaps in the past with her jaw, including nearly slicing the face off of her ex-husband Ryan Phillippe which reportedly led to their divorce. The actress says she looks forward to using her jaw for good instead of evil.
In fact, This Means War, in theaters today, features two CIA operatives (Chris Pine and Tom Hardy) battling each other for the right to use Witherspoon’s jaw as a kitchen appliance. The movie builds to a final battle where [SPOILER ALERT] all three get caught in Chelsea Handler’s massive vagina and Witherspoon’s jaw is required to cut them free.
“It’s nice to be able to use my status as a celebrity not only for my wealth, but for my razor sharp jawline,” Witherspoon said. “I can follow in the footsteps of others before me like Jay Leno and [Army of Darkness actor] Bruce Campbell.” The Walk the Line star will be preparing potato stew for the homeless using her famous chin. Donatella Versace’s old nose will be fumigated to provide the stew.
Witherspoon will be joining somehow-a-celebrity Heidi Montag, who will be donating her old face to be used as a meat tenderizer.