ARLINGTON, TX—In light of failing to recognize that the word “strike” had six letters in it, it’s been revealed that FOX baseball “analyst” Tim McCarver has the brain of an 18-year-old housecat with dementia that set in long, long ago. This also explains his strange, cat-like face.
“We had to hire someone just to wave a silver ribbon in his general direction during commercial breaks,” said producer Jim Carlyle. “Or just something shiny. Or just my hand on the edge of the table, or my hand under a blanket. Something. Anything to keep him distracted so he doesn’t take a leak in the middle of the floor.”
Carlyle did have a logical explanation as to why someone with a cat-brain would be on national television talking about baseball of all things. “The majority of Americans are full-fledged morons, so we thought we’d get someone they can relate to. And the people that aren’t morons, we’ve found that 100% of those people love to complain about everything. We could use our limitless resources to hire the best color commentator money can buy, and we almost did. Look how great a job [former Red Sox manager] Terry Francona did in the ALCS. But we have a responsibility to our core audience, all those morons out there.”