Churning out material infinitely better than anyone else is writing today…

ITHACA, NY—World renowned author David Foster Wallace may have committed suicide three years ago, but his zombie brain continues to live on and crank out 900 page novels after his death. His latest, The Pale King, has proven that even his undead brain can still write circles around anyone with a living, breathing cerebral cortex.

“His dying was like powering down a super-computer or a nuclear power plant,” said neuroscientist Nora Torrain. “Death is only the beginning, the first step in a long process. It takes years, if not decades for [his brain], especially one of his caliber, to shut down entirely.”

“This isn’t particularly surprising,” said literary critic Saundra Crivello, “due to the raw talent and skill [Wallace] had, and due to the fact that hardly anyone knows how to write. Just take a spin around the Internet. It’s amazing how so much of our communication is based on the written word, yet nobody knows how to fucking write.”

Tumblr and Facebook are the examples cited the most often as clear demonstrations as to how living human brains with every resource available to them can’t begin to write as well as a guy that’s been dead for three years. Crivello continues, “I’m not talking about grammar, like capitalization or punctuation or whatever. Any idiot can master that, even though many do not. I’m just talking about writing in general, the ability to clearly convey simple ideas in a half-way amusing way.”

“Like this Some Guy Daily News guy on Tumblr for instance, give me a break. This isn’t 7th grade creative writing class, dude. Enough already.”

Torrain said this is only the beginning. “We can look forward to at least 8 or 9 more novels, brand new. And no doubt they’ll all be carefully written, brilliantly thoughtful exhibitions of writing that will put anyone and everyone else to shame.”

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