“Viewers will barely notice he’s gone.”

NEW YORK—In the midst of all the chaos regarding television wingnut Glenn Beck being kicked off the air, Fox News has wasted no time in implementing a plan for his replacement. Senior VP of Media Relations Ingrid Mercado announced that Beck’s timeslot on the network would be filled by the sound of a Viper 350HV car alarm.

“We’re confident that the Viper 350HV can live up to the same standards of television quality that Mr. Beck strove to set during his tenure here,” Mercado stated. “The alarm will be loud, abrasive, insufferable, annoying, insulting to the average person’s intelligence, and sometimes hilarious, albeit unintentionally. Viewers will barely notice he’s gone.”

One concern about the car alarm replacement would be its inability to cry due to its inanimate nature, something Beck viewers would be sure to notice. “We are aware of that problem and promise to come up with a solution that will appease our viewers,” Mercado said. “Thankfully that shouldn’t take long.”

Viper technician Mike Fulton spoke of a method to vary the pitch of the alarm at random intervals as it blares to “kind of make it seem like its crying, maybe. If that fails, we can always just get it to play ‘The Battle Hymn of the Republic’ or something. Everyone loves that song.”

Mercado spoke of a painstakingly arduous process that determined their eventual selection when asked why Fox News settled on the Viper 350HV. “We tested out several dozen models on a test audience of devoted Glenn Beck followers. Our final choice won out because of its sheer volume. The way it began to transcend our studio’s microphones and come through people’s televisions with such ear-bleeding volume, it showed why it was second to none. It’s a car alarm worthy of Glenn Beck.”